Before You Give Up… Listen to Terra’s Story | Born Again Baddies Ep.2

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign. [00:00:04] Speaker B: Welcome back to Born Again Baddies. I'm Tara Tovar with my co host, Vanessa Jones. Today we're going to be diving into a lot of my testimony and some Q and A questions. So what we have pulled from our Instagram, you can find our Instagram at Born Again Baddies podcast. We are also anywhere you listen to podcasts, Apple rumble, YouTube, anything like that. It's where you can find us. Today we are going to be diving into some questions and Vanessa is going to be leading the conversation, asking me. So let's get into it. [00:00:37] Speaker A: Heavenly Father, thank you. Thank you for this space that we're in, not only physically, Lord, but mentally, spiritually. Thank you for this friendship, for the ability to record today, this episode. And Lord, we pray that your will be done. We pray that you come guide us, that you intercede with the Holy Spirit, Lord, that everybody that's listening be blessed in some way, that hearts of stone be softened and replaced with hearts of flesh, Lord, that even as I and Tara grow in our walk of faith, that we're able to build community, share testimonies, and grow all together. Lord, I pray for miracles to be performed in the lives of our listeners. For breakthrough. We pray for our friend Lori, Lord, who is fighting a battle of cancer, that you speak life into her very cells, Lord, that she come out of this with a testimony and with an experience that cannot be explained by anything other than the touch of the hand of God. We pray that this day be blessed to you, Lord, that even through our mistakes, that we grow and learn, that you give us an increase of understanding and wisdom. Give us the eyes to see and the ears to hear you, Lord, in this busy and crazy world and all that we do, let us walk with you and keep our eyes on you. And we pray all of this in your name, Jesus. Amen. [00:02:14] Speaker B: Amen. That made me teary. [00:02:19] Speaker A: A little foreshadowing for today. We're doing it again. You are on the stand this time, and this is vulnerable and scary. So, yeah, thank you already. Thank you for sharing your testimony because I know it. I know parts of it. I might learn new stuff today, and it's powerful. [00:02:36] Speaker B: Yeah, it's. There was a lot in that first 26 years of my life. I mean, and it's still unfolding, but, yeah, I got a lot of my stuff early on in life and I'm excited to share it, but it is a little scary. You know, I feel like I wasn't nervous until the prayer. Now I'm like, okay, it's real, like it's real. And I'm. Yeah, I'm sharing it with people that don't know me, which is, I think, the part that makes me a little nervous, but I think it needs to be said, and I don't want everything I've gone through to be in vain. [00:03:07] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:03:07] Speaker B: So I want it to be for something good. So there's. I'm also excited. [00:03:12] Speaker A: Don't let the. The enemy steal any of your confidence and your joy in this moment, because we're supposed to share our testimonies, and I know that. We know we're tilling hearts. God's on the move, and your story has the ability to change people's lives, and I don't want anything to keep you from giving it. [00:03:32] Speaker B: Just. [00:03:32] Speaker A: You're full your heart out here on the table. [00:03:35] Speaker B: Yeah. I was praying about that on the way here, that. That I have the wisdom to share what needs to be shared and hold back what doesn't need to be shared. And. Yeah. And just, like, the guidance through it, so. [00:03:46] Speaker A: Amen. [00:03:47] Speaker B: Amen. [00:03:47] Speaker A: It's happening. We're doing it. [00:03:49] Speaker B: Yep. It'll be good. So. Yeah. [00:03:52] Speaker A: You ready to dive in? [00:03:53] Speaker B: Q and A. Let's go. [00:03:54] Speaker A: All right, let's start. Got my little. [00:03:56] Speaker B: I got notes, too, because I'm not as well versed as Vanessa. [00:04:01] Speaker A: I should have. [00:04:01] Speaker B: So if I glance, that's what's going on. [00:04:04] Speaker A: We love it. All right, let's start it off. Were you raised to know Jesus? [00:04:11] Speaker B: So, yes and no. Okay. So we went to this church, and I wonder if anyone in the valley knows of it, but it was this little church off Alamba called Trinity. And it was like, maybe it was more people, but I felt like it was, like, 35 people. When I was growing up. It was kind of like, I. Maybe I'm the only one that feels this way, but I feel like, especially in the 90s, it was almost like that Jesus revolution of the 70s. But it kind of like re happened in the 90s, too, where it was just like a guy in jeans up on the altar with a acoustic guitar, like, leading worship, like, very chill. Like, very come as you are. You don't have to dress up, you know, a mix of people with young kids and super elderly people. And it was a really good introduction as a child of, like, what actual the root of Christianity is. I think we started going there when I was like, it's, like, one of my earliest memories. So maybe four, four or five, about kindergarten age. And it was. It was kind of hard because my parents were trying to Instill, like, faith in Jesus and Christianity with us, but at the same time, like, they would get in, like, vile fights on the way to church. And, like, my dad would be calling my mom every name in the book, and my mom would be. She kind of had this tendency of, like, acting out in order to get her way or to be seen. Um, and I'll kind of get to it later on in the episode. But, like, she has, like, narcissist, like, tendency, personality type disorder. I don't know, like, what you would call it exactly, but she kind of has a pattern of how she acts out. And so it seemed like every time we were on the way to a family's house, a family member's house, anytime it was a holiday, you know, Easter Sunday, going to church, whatever, a fight would always inevitably break out. And so it was hard to. It was almost like we would turn it on, like, once we got to church. Like, they would fight all the way to church. You know, like, it would be. And I'd just be sitting in the back seat with my brother, like, oh, this is awful. And then we'd go to church, and, like, it was all good, and then it would just go back to normal. It was like, they didn't. They wanted to show us, like, Jesus and stuff, but then it wasn't implemented at home, if that makes any sense. And so I do believe, like, as I've grown up, I think their hearts were in the right place with doing it, but I think they kind of needed to listen more to what was being preached and implement it in their lives instead of just being like, oh, we're doing this for the kids. Good. Like, they. It was kind of like, oh, we're doing it for Tyler and Tara, but we're not doing it for ourselves. And. Yeah, and I wish, like. Because I don't have a relationship with my mom now and my dad has passed, and that's something that I wish that I could talk to them about now and kind of dig into that and see why that was. But at the same time, I do appreciate the effort that they put in, because without that, I wouldn't have had that little seed planted that has grown into what, like, the Christian I am now. But I want to say we went there to Trinity between, like. Like 2001 to maybe, like, 2004. And then I don't know exactly what happened if the pastor left. The pastor's name was Tom, and he's actually like, who talked my parents out of getting a divorce back then? Because the fighting was so bad. And then it was kind of like a little bit like toxic positivity. I. I don't believe in divorce. It's not my number one. Like, I think you should always fight for your marriage. But my parents were beyond saving and I kind of feel some type of way about. I don't think my parents would have stayed together unless the church had intervened to try to keep them together. So it's. It's kind of hard. It's kind of like a sore spot in my heart because I think both of my parents would have been a lot happier if they would have. [00:08:30] Speaker A: That's really hard. Like the first part, you said they're going to church, they're having this experience, right? Like they're toxic, they're vile. And then you go and you're having this experience and even you, as maybe a 4 year old are noticing that difference of this is this toxic environment. And then there's this eye of the storm when you enter the church and you have this comforting, loving, chill space where you're free to come as you are and then you leave and it's right back to it. And I think so many people get in that where they go and they bring everything to the foot of the cross, right? They bring their addiction, their abuse, their. Their trauma, their past and they lay it down and they have this incredible experience in church and then they walk out the doors and they don't make. [00:09:20] Speaker B: Any changes or they don't have the tools. Maybe that's what it was. I don't know exactly what it was. And I do wish that they were both around so that now that I'm an adult and my frontal lobe is done growing, that we could talk about it. Yeah, it's something I think about a lot though. So that's kind of like the first like 3ish years of like being introduced. And I remember this is really special to me. I think I was like, yeah, like five to six is what I wrote. And my dad, I guess he probably learned this more at church as he was going. But he was like, hey, Tara. And he would tell my brother too. But I remember like being in the car with him driving one on one somewhere and he'd be like, hey, like, do you know how to invite Jesus into your life? Like, has anyone ever told you? And I'm like, no. And he was like. And so my dad planted the seed. And my dad was my most important person in my life. So it's really special that he was the one that is. I didn't think I was gonna cry, cry. So sorry. Dang it. But he would tell me, like. And I kind of wrote down an example. He would say, tara, this is all you have to say to, you know, if you want Jesus to come into your life. Once I knew who Jesus was from going to church, he'd say, jesus, I believe in you and that you are the son of God and that you died on the cross to rescue me from my sin and from death. I choose to turn away from my sin, and I choose to receive you and your forgiveness. Come into my heart and fill me with your love and peace and help me to become more like you. Thank you for my salvation. In Jesus's name I pray. Amen. And my dad told me that probably. He reminded me of that probably five or six times at the age of, like, five and six. And he's like. And, Tara, you don't have to do it out loud. You don't have to make a show of it. You just say it in your heart when you're ready. And he goes, you might not be ready today, but that's what you say to him when you're ready. [00:11:18] Speaker A: Oh. And he did. He planted that seed of salvation. [00:11:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:23] Speaker A: That's so special and so powerful. [00:11:26] Speaker B: And I can't tell you how many times in my life when I've just recited that. Even when I had already. I'd already given the Lord my life, but I was lukewarm. [00:11:38] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:11:39] Speaker B: And I would always come back and do this. Like, I. I feel like I'm now finally in a place where I don't have to keep. It's like being baptized. You don't have to keep going and getting baptized over and over again every time you. You have trials. But, like, I would always come back to this. God, please just let me receive you. And I would. You know, I was, like, 26 years old, 27 years old, saying the same thing that my dad told me at 6 years old. [00:12:02] Speaker A: That's so beautiful. [00:12:08] Speaker B: Sorry. My dad just means so much to me, and he's gone now, so it's just tough to talk about it. [00:12:15] Speaker A: It is. [00:12:19] Speaker B: Grief is love, right? [00:12:21] Speaker A: It is. You're the one that shared that with me after my dad passed away. And I. I don't want to butcher it because it was so eloquent and beautiful, but it was like, grief is all the ungiven love. [00:12:32] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:12:33] Speaker B: It's love that you can't give them any. [00:12:35] Speaker A: I love that. I think that's such a beautiful. [00:12:39] Speaker B: But, yeah, that was kind of like my first introduction. And Like I said, he would tell me and my brother that it wasn't just like a Tara thing, but I don't know exactly my brother's side of it either. But, yeah, it was. It was a good way to. To grow up and to be introduced. So I would say, yeah, that I was raised to know Jesus, but I definitely lived in a lukewarm Christian household. And in my opinion, living on both sides of it, sometimes I feel like it's worse to be a lukewarm Christian than it even is to be an atheist. [00:13:14] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:13:15] Speaker B: Like, it's a tough. It's a tough place to be because you're constantly walking on a tightrope of who you know you should be, but rejecting it. And then. Yeah, and then if you're just not walking in faith, you're just, like, living for yourself. Like, there's never that little, like, oh, I know, I know this isn't right. So in some. In a lot of ways, I was lucky to know him from a young age, but it wasn't without, like, trial. And I've always had that little piece of me that knew better, you know, than somebody that didn't. But, yeah, so, yeah, I did. I was raised to know him, but I didn't know him how he should have been known. [00:13:55] Speaker A: I love that you said that it might be even more difficult, and I agree with that. That resonates deeply. Knowing my testimony, where I feel like it almost trains you that you to. To abuse the grace of God. Right. [00:14:08] Speaker B: That's what it is. Yep. [00:14:09] Speaker A: You think that you get to have the best of both worlds. You get to show up, you get to have the spiritual experience, you get to know that peace be all under, beyond all understanding and. And have that connection with God, but then still do the things you want to do. And you know, just enough about go that you're still loved, you're forgiven, you can come back to him and he's still going to love you and call you by name. [00:14:33] Speaker B: Yes, that's exactly. [00:14:34] Speaker A: And so you're. You're. Yeah, you're on a teeter tot. And it is. It's more dangerous. There's scripture about that. It's more dangerous to be in that place where you're just doing what you want to do, even though you know in your heart who God is. [00:14:48] Speaker B: And I knew that I would say, like, only, like, the last three years I've been like, to where I feel like, yes, I'm living for the Lord. Like, obviously I'm not perfect, but, like, I turned that leaf I was a Lukewarm Christian from 6 years old to 26, 27 years old. Like, it took a long time and it's. But I'm not ashamed of those years because it. It was the journey that I needed to go on, and it was a journey that God was taking me on, and he knew the final outcome, and he knew what he was preparing me and molding me to be. So I've been able to let go of that shame behind it. And there's probably a lot of people, maybe even people watching the podcast that knew that, Tara, right? And. And they're looking at this now going, well, what the heck? You know, like, is she hoity toity? Does she think she's better than us? And it's not. It's actually, it's the opposite. Like, the veil has been lifted so good on my eyes and I can finally sleep, see with clarity. Like the song. I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I always think of that song, and that's me in my life. And. But yeah, kind of back to, like, the growing up church stuff. After we had left Trinity, after that, like, three. I think it was three or four years. My parents fell out of taking us to church for a long time. And my dad actually really wavered in his faith of, like, it depended on the day whether he was like, God's too, you know, it's too good to be true. There's no way that God's real or, like, him battling, like, suicidal ideation and seeing him beg on his knees for God to help him, you know, like, it was. My dad was a roller coaster of. Of just ups and downs with it and feeling like he wasn't worthy and then trying to crawl back and feeling like he wasn't worthy and trying to crawl back. And then what fueled that fire was the toxicity of the marriage, right? Like, he had these. These kids that he loved, a good job, you know, roof over his head. But there was a lot of, like, verbal abuse between my parents. And then my mom was financially abusing our family to the point that we. When I was in fourth grade, we lost our house to foreclosure. And my dad didn't know because she had taken out a home loan and forged his signature on it. So, yeah, it was pretty painful. Um, I remember just like, I think I just came home from school and they were like, hey, we have, like, two weeks to move out. And then we. We hadn't even moved all of our stuff out on time when we went to a rental. Cause that's Just all we could do. [00:17:33] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:17:34] Speaker B: And, like, I remember we just would always collect a lot of Halloween stuff because I loved Halloween. And my dad would make, like, a fake graveyard in our front yard of, like, skeletons and fake headstones and stuff. And it was always so spooky and cool. And I'll just never forget, like, they were like, oh, yeah, they came in and threw all that away because the house had been foreclosed on and the stuff wasn't out in time. And so. And it's funny, like, as a kid, that's what you remember. Like, we lost all the Halloween stuff, but, like. Yeah, but that's the stuff you hold on to and, like, the memories that you have. And that was like, at just, like, a very fragile age. Like, fourth or fifth grade. [00:18:10] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:18:11] Speaker B: And, like, going to school and my. My friends are like, why are you guys moving? Like, what the heck? What's going on in, like, me knowing, but, like, having to lie. [00:18:19] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:18:19] Speaker B: I don't know. Like, we just have to move to a different house. And we ended up moving to a house. The street was called Bumblebee, which was really cute. We ended up moving to this rental house in Meridian, and it was off Bumblebee, and it was, like, a really nice, cuter, cleaner house. And we were build probably one that was built in the 90s instead of the one that was in the 70s, which was my first house we grew up in. So in some ways it was exciting. But I knew why we were there. It wasn't like, oh, here's the nice new fresher house. It was. My parents literally almost killed each other when this fight happened about losing the home. You know, like, just terrible. I can't even explain to you on this podcast, like, the things that were said between them in fights. Just so painful to watch as a little girl. And I told my dad this, and I kind of regret it now that he's gone, but my first memory that I ever have is them fighting in the hallway. I think probably three years old. It's my first memory. So it's just really hard. [00:19:30] Speaker A: But such beautiful examples, like you said, of your testimony and the way that God uses even the horrible things that we go through for his good to shape you into the woman that you're meant to be. To be here sharing your faith, your testimony, being a light set apart to show people that there is. There is hope. You can come through this. It doesn't matter the circumstances. It doesn't matter what you've seen in relationships, in faith, in life, in whatever facet of your experience. It is like, there's hope. [00:20:02] Speaker B: Yeah, there is. And. Yeah, just. Just some difficult things that, you know, they're hard to think about. And especially I'm. I'm unloading a lot of stuff that I've suppressed for a lot of years, too. So it's just. Yeah, it's hard to talk about. But anyway, so that kind of fueled the fire, the financial abuse, and that pulled my dad, I feel, like, even further away from, like, running our household and being the head of the household and, like, that. That beacon for faith that he needed to be. Like, I feel like he was on fire for it. And then it just, like, slowly dwindled with the things that were happening in their relationship. And so we would. Every once in a while, we would try another church. I remember probably shortly after that, we got invited to. I think it was a Pentecostal church. Don't quote me on this, because I don't know all the different little. [00:21:00] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:21:01] Speaker B: Nuances of all the other ones. But we went to this church and we were, like, chilling, and all of a sudden they brought out, like, a box with snakes in it. And they were like, now we're gonna handle the snakes. And my dad literally grabbed my arm so hard, and he was like, tara, get. We gotta go. Like, we, like, ran out of there. Like, it was like. Like a bomb was about to go off. It was crazy. My dad's like, I'm so sorry, guys. Like, he got invited there by someone from work. So we ended up, like, there with. And then we referred to them as the snake handlers forever. So it was funny. And then we went to. In, like, no shame if anyone's Baptist, but we went to this Baptist church, and I was like. And it was just like, one of those, like, fire and brimstone. Like, you. You are going to hell. Like, you do so. Okay. Like, you might as well just accept it. It was like, one of those churches. And I was like, this was actually sweet, now that I look back on it, but a dude came up to me, and he was. I was like, maybe in sixth grade. And he's, like, really severe, hard eye contact. And he grabs my shoulder and he's like, I see the hand of God on you. And I was like, dad, I'm spooked. Like, so, like, we just kept running into these churches that just, like, were not the vibe. And like I said, I don't know why we couldn't go to Trenton anymore. I think either the pastor left or it shut down. Something had happened. So we Were just on this constant hunt of, like, the right church for us, which we talked about in your episode of, like, don't give up. You know, like, at first they bring out a box of snakes, keep trying, you know, and so it kind of. Yeah, it kind of got kind of comical at a certain point. And it kept being like, people that were like, oh, we know the perfect church for you guys. And then we go and, like, every time you have a bad experience, it just, like, almost pulls you further away because you're like, oh, my gosh. Like, this is crazy. Like, why can't we just get back to, like, the roots, right? [00:22:55] Speaker A: Because so many. [00:22:56] Speaker B: What's going on? [00:22:57] Speaker A: I think most of us have had an experience like that where people put on the show. Oh, yeah, it might be, like, a great band and lights and camera action, but then where is the Holy Spirit? Where is people coming together in humility and really diving into the word of God? Like, where is. [00:23:14] Speaker B: Yeah, the church. Yeah, it was. The church was not churching. [00:23:17] Speaker A: It was not church. [00:23:18] Speaker B: It was not churching. So, yeah, that was kind of like, to answer that question, it was. I was exposed and I was like, the seed was planted, but it was not being watered how it should have. One, because we couldn't find the right church home, and two, because my. My parents relationship was just so bad and so toxic and pulled us away at that time. So it was tough. But I am grateful for, like, back to what my dad told me of how, like, how to accept salvation. I mean, that's all. That's. That's all you need. [00:23:56] Speaker A: It is. [00:23:57] Speaker B: That's all you need. Despite all the bad stuff and all in the losing of the house and the. Can you hear me okay? And all the trauma and stuff we went through that it wasn't without. It wasn't in vain. [00:24:13] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:24:14] Speaker B: You know. [00:24:14] Speaker A: Amen. [00:24:15] Speaker B: Yeah, Amen. [00:24:16] Speaker A: Beautiful. What was the turning point in your life that made you seek enlightenment? [00:24:22] Speaker B: Yeah, I already want to cry. So in 2000, I'll do a little backstory instead of just saying what it is. In 2014, my older brother Tyler ended up committing suicide. He took his life, and that was by far. I would not be sitting here doing this podcast right now if that wouldn't have happened. I won't. It's not really my story to tell. There's still people living that the suicide was, like, connected with. And so I'm not going to get too far into the wise of why it happened just because they still deserve their privacy and they have a lot of life left ahead of them. And it's just not. I don't feel like it's mine to tell, but kind of short story. It was like a love triangle gone bad. And my brother was living with two roommates which were a husband and wife. And consent was given to my brother to sleep with the wife from the friend. My brother ended up falling in love with the girl. She no longer wanted to be with him. My brother had cheated on his girlfriend, which happened to be that wife's best friend. And that girl, the wife was not in love with my brother like he thought she was. And the girlfriend had found out about the infidelity and the cheating. And that mixed with some alcoholism is what was my brother's situation that pushed him over the edge, which the longer it's been because it's been 10 years now, the more kind of senseless it seems. And I think if he would have given himself a chance, he would still be here. But his little 23 year old brain, it was too much. And he did leave a note. And to this day I still haven't read the note all the way and it explains more. But I. That's not the note isn't how I want to remember him. And the state of mind that I want to remember him in. There was some signs leading up to it. He went from never having a drink of alcohol as far as my family knew, to being a full blown alcoholic by 23, drinking a six pack of beer to go to bed at night. That's all I'll say about the situation that happened at the time. When he did take his life, he was living in Tacoma, Washington. He'd only lived there eight weeks with that husband and wife before the suicide happened. And in 2000 and when I was how old? 2010. A year after he graduated high school, there was also another suicide attempt where he had taken a bunch of Ambien in order to try to end his life. And he kind of chalked it up to being overwhelmed that he was going to BSU at the time. And he chalked it up to being overwhelmed. And my family kind of bought it. He was in the military, he was in the army and so we didn't want him to get kicked out. So kind of everyone just swept it under the rug. So there were some signs there. So. But yeah, it's unfortunate that it got to the point where he actually ended up being successful a few years later. So I always worried about him because that that happened. The first attempt happened when I was like 15 and it was kind of Funny. I. I had a gut feeling. I think we were reading. I think it was Romeo and Juliet. We were reading something that was talking about suicide a lot. And I remember it just was bugging me and bugging me. And he had, like, called and he worked at HP and he called in sick that day. And I just had a weird. A weird gut feeling about it. And I text him in the middle of the day that I loved him. And he said, I love you too. And then. This is a God thing. This is why I'm talking about it. Me and my mom were supposed to go. I think we're going to go to Ross after school because I needed new jeans. And I said, hey, mom, like, did Tyler text you that he loved you today? And she's like, yeah. And I was like, yeah, me too. And like, not that we didn't say I love each other, but I just kind of thought it was weird for him to, like, respond as quickly as he did and for me to feel weird about it. And I told my mom, well, he called in sick for work today, right? And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, well, why don't we go home and check on him? And I was too scared to go in and check. My mom pulls in and goes. And she just comes out of the garage screaming, Call 91 1, call 91 1. Because he was, like, incoherent in his bed. Like, he had taken an entire. I. I think it was like 30 days supply of Ambien and a bunch of Melatonin all at once. And. But that's a divine thing that shows you that, like, God has always been guiding me, because why would a 15 year old be like, h, reading a book about suicide? Wonder what my brother's doing. H, I don't want to go Jean shopping. I actually want to check and make sure my brother's okay, you know? So it's like, I don't know, I just kind of always had these, like, gut feelings about him. [00:29:53] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:29:53] Speaker B: But anyway, backstory. That was his first attempt. His second attempt, he was successful. So that's in 2014. It was November 17th. He was living in Tacoma, and I had known he was in a bad place. He called me and told me the falling out. All my friends hate me. I won't say anyone's name. My girlfriend is never going to forgive me. You know, she told me pretty much to get bent. Like, I can't. Obviously I can't repeat what was said, but just some really nasty things. And then, you know, so and so doesn't love me. Like, I love her. Like, I've just, you know, I ruined everything. My whole friend group is ruined. And when he's telling me this, he's drunk. Right. And so it's hard to console somebody that's been drinking all day. [00:30:46] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:30:48] Speaker B: And so I remember driving around, probably it was like two and a half hours just driving around, trying to talk him down. Came home, told my dad, hey, because this is like, right after I graduated high school. I was like 19 at the time. He was 23. Came home and I said, dad, like, Tyler's going through it. Like. And he was like, well, you know, he shouldn't have been doing what he was doing. Like, it's time for him to put on his big boy pants. Like, he needs to step up and deal with what he's done. And not in a heartless way, but, like, you can't go be a home wrecker and cheat on your girlfriend and then expect there to be no repercussions, you know? And my dad loved us hard, but he also expected his children to be good citizens. And for my dad, that wasn't him being a good citizen. That's not how we were raised to be. [00:31:42] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:31:42] Speaker B: And so my dad tried to talk to him a little bit, but it was kind of like. And he. My dad regretted this after everything happened, but he kind of went the tough love route. Like, tell her you need to, you know, step up, and it's going to suck for a while, but try to gain everyone's trust back. Like, you need to get out of that situation. You can't be living in a love triangle in somebody else's house. Like, this is all. This is crazy. Like, you're. You're setting yourself up for success. And my dad's like, and the drinking has to stop, dude. Like, you got to be done. And my brother was the type, like, he respected my dad so much that it would be like, yeah, dad, you're right. You know, I do, I do, I do. But then he was such, like, a hard on his sleeve kid that he probably took that into, like, shaming himself. [00:32:33] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:32:34] Speaker A: Because on top of everything else, this man that he admires and respects, he's also disappointed. [00:32:40] Speaker B: Yeah. And he's embarrassed. His little sister knows. [00:32:42] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:32:43] Speaker B: My mom doesn't deal with things super maturely, so I'm sure she had words with him that weren't great. So he felt like his friend group was lost. His sister and his dad were probably disappointed. I don't think I showed a lot of disappointment. I Just tried to show support. But at the end of the day, I was 19 years old and I wasn't set up to deal with a situation like that at that age, as far as I know. Like besides his classmates, I was the last person that Tyler talked to on the phone. So that's always stayed with me. And our last conversation was good. The last thing I said to him is that I loved him. It's always kind of stuck with me and hurt me that, that I wasn't enough to keep him here and that I always tried so hard. And I remember back when his first attempt happened, the one that he was unsuccessful with. And I remember being 15 years old and telling him like, you're such an idiot. Like why would you try to leave me here? Like mom and dad are crazy. Like you can't leave me. [00:34:05] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:34:06] Speaker B: Like I can't do this without you. Like we're a team. And he's like, I know I'm stupid. Like I never should have done any of that. And then it was like such a slap in the face for him to do it and then it to be permanent, to be final. Because there's no coming back from that. [00:34:28] Speaker A: There's no coming back. And it's such a dynamic and complex grief because you have the urge to blame yourself. You fight that blame where you want to own it and think that you could have done something to change it and think you weren't enough and all those lies that the enemy wants to speak into you. But at the same time you have anger and resentment towards him because he left you. He left you to navigate this grief, to go through life without him, to deal with your parents and that dynamic by yourself. [00:35:02] Speaker B: And it just kind of like, I don't know. And me and him had such a good bond. It's just hard. And that's something that I'll have to work through forever. And it hurts less now than it did because I have more peace with the situation. But I'll never not have that feeling of I wasn't enough for him to stay. And it's hard. And that sense of abandonment of you left me here with mom and dad. You know, dad's trying his best. I'll get into this. Mom is in full blown addiction. Mom is fully blown. Abusing our family financially. Still her narcissism is at an all time high. Like she's in the worst place she can be. And you bailed. [00:35:56] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:35:57] Speaker B: And you left your 19 year old sister to deal with all. [00:36:02] Speaker A: So your mom sinking into the addiction. They won't move ahead. But that was before Tyler passed away. [00:36:09] Speaker B: Yeah, it was kind of starting. My mom got a plantar fasciitis, which is like a tendon, I believe, in your foot surgery. I don't believe they really do them anymore because they prove to be unsuccessful, where they kind of. It's tight. You know, the tendon is tight in your foot. So they. They cut it to relieve some. And for her, it ended up not healing correctly. And to deal with the pain of the foot surgery not going well, I think they prescribed her, like, Percocet or Vicodin, maybe. It was Vicodin, I think. And I was. That was in 2009, and it just kind of progressed from there. So she had that bad surgery, and then six months later, she got her gallbladder out, and then six months later, she broke a toe. And then it was like this every six month, random injury or saying that she's in some type of pain in order to get pain pills. Obviously, that's. In hindsight, now that I'm looking back at the time, my family didn't know. We kind of just thought it was this series of unfortunate events that she was going through. And then the pain pills slowly went from, like, Vicodin to hydrocodone, hydrocodone to oxycontin, oxycontin to fentanyl patches, eventually getting all the way to fentanyl patches within 2009-2012. So pretty quick it progressed. And it was. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. The way that she was able to finally keep getting the prescription was claiming rheumatoid arthritis, which I still don't know if it's true or not. I mean, I like to think so in that she's not lying to get the pills, but that's what keeps her to this day, because she's still living, obtaining the oxycontin that she's addicted to at this point. We've had a lot. A lot of fights, a lot of bad times, a lot of me flushing pills down the toilet, a lot of cops being called, a lot of me having to call the ambulance because she's so high in her bed, her eyes rolling in the back of her head. Crazy stuff that I've dealt with. And my husband, too, because we lived with her at one point, or she lived with us, which I won't get into. But, yeah, some really, really hard things with my mom as far as addiction. After my brother ended up taking his life, my mom never went back to work. She quit Working. So it became me and my dad. So at 19, me and my dad took over paying the rent together, paying bills together. I had just gotten out of hair school and I was barely making any money. So I needed my dad financially as much as he needed me. They both really needed me to stay at home for the emotional aspect of it and the support. I literally. This is, and this is heavy. I knew at 19 years old if I moved out that either both my parents were going to commit suicide or that it would be a murder suicide. And I know that sounds really heavy, but I knew it in my heart. [00:39:35] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:39:35] Speaker B: That if I left them, that's what was going to happen. Because now that their son was gone, they were just shells of who they used to be. My mom quit working. She's a full blown pill addict, sleeping on the couch all day. She's in a dark living room sleeping on the couch all day. And that's her life. I go to work at the time I'm working at Sport clips, making maybe 800 every two weeks, trying to help my dad out. My dad's going to work every day, but he has to call in sick half the time because he can't even get out of bed because he's so heavy in grief. With my brother, I remember just he, he was very verbal about his grief and very open about his grief. But I really had to be a rock for him because my mom was just high all the time. So they were either she was either high or they were fighting. And that's all it was. My dad used to get up at like maybe 5:30 in the morning to go to work. And on the days where he did muster the strength to get out, I would just hear him just howl in the shower. [00:40:44] Speaker A: And meanwhile, you didn't have the luxury of time or space to grieve and to process and to recover from this because you were busy holding your family together. [00:40:55] Speaker B: Yeah, I had to. And like it sounds, unless you've lived it, you don't know it. People like, oh, well, that's worst case scenario. Or that's you being paranoid. No, like I can tell you that if I wouldn't have been there, it would have been an absolute train wreck. And there was nowhere for me to go anyway. Yeah, I was like this wounded. What was I gonna go do? Be carefree? Like, no. Like I didn't want to go to the bars with my friends. I didn't. My life at that time, and I don't feel this way anymore. My life at that time was over the Day Tyler did what he did. My life was over and my goal was to not lose any more people and to keep my dad alive. And that's what my purpose was for a long time. From 19 to 26. [00:41:43] Speaker A: Wow. [00:41:44] Speaker B: That's what I felt my purpose was, was to keep my dad on the planet. [00:41:49] Speaker A: When do you think you started allowing yourself to process and grieve Tyler. [00:41:56] Speaker B: Fully? Once my dad passed away, yeah. In 2020. He ended up passing of a heart attack from not taking care of his diabetes. Kind of. Come to find out, it was kind of like a slow suicide. After my brother took his life, my dad quit managing his diabetes type 2 and his blood sugars. Once he had the heart attack at the hospital, they said it was over 600. His blood sugar was so high it wouldn't even read on the meter. It just said hi. It just flashed. And my dad was leading me on to believe that he was taking better care of himself than he was. I didn't really know any of this was happening. Like obviously I knew he was eating pizza and having treats and stuff once in a while, but I didn't know that he had let his diabetes get to the point where it had. And for people that don't know diabetes, it affects your eyes, your hearing, your veins, your heart. You can have strokes, heart attacks. Like diabetes is not something to mess with all that sugar in your veins just, it totally messes you up from the inside out. [00:43:08] Speaker A: It's very agnostic and it hardens your. [00:43:10] Speaker B: Arteries and veins, makes your teeth fall out. Remember, he started getting abscesses all the time. Makes your wounds slow to heal. So there was signs. But once again, 19 to 26 years old. I don't know anything. No, I don't know what to look out for. I'm not like, hm, you know, maybe my dad is slowly dying from diabetes. [00:43:29] Speaker A: Right. [00:43:29] Speaker B: You know, and I was so caught up in, in the grief and everything else that I just. It's like I figured that he would be an adult and if something was wrong, he'd go to the doctor. [00:43:41] Speaker A: Right. [00:43:41] Speaker B: And obviously that wasn't the case. So in 2020, he ended up having a heart attack from it. And yeah, was bad. He, me and Marcus about five in the morning, found him collapsed and on the floor and he still didn't want us to call an ambulance because they're a thousand dollar ride. Me and Marcus had just taken out a home loan to help him retire. Kind of our plan was that when we had kids, he was going to be a stay at home grandpa. And that's how he would pay us back. So we kind of had this whole plan and, like, once again, it was going to be me making sure my dad was okay. [00:44:22] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:44:23] Speaker B: And like, bless my husband for taking that on and, like, helping my dad retire. Like, we're 25 years old and we're taking out a huge loan to help my dad retire because he didn't have any money saved because of the financial abuse. And I just tried to make sense of it as best I could of like, hey, well, you know, when we have kids, they'll help us out. And Marcus never questioned anything. Yeah. Where do I sign? [00:44:52] Speaker C: Wow. [00:44:54] Speaker B: You know, like, he took on the idea of his father in law living with him forever because he loves me that much. And that's just something that I'm so grateful for. Side note, I love you, Marcus. And yeah, Marcus has just been a really big blessing in my life. But I'll get to him. But yeah, so sorry, can you redo the question? I kind of got off track. [00:45:26] Speaker A: I think you answered it so beautifully. The turning point. [00:45:29] Speaker B: Yes, you're enlightening. [00:45:30] Speaker A: This amalgamation of grief and loss and. [00:45:34] Speaker B: Yeah. So back to all that. After losing my brother, my parents, they were looking for any type of way to kind of heal themselves except for God. And so this was my turning point. I need to give you guys a little backstory. But the turning point was my parents scheduled a psychic medium meeting. This is huge. And this is going to be controversial. Wow. But this is my truth, and so I have to share it. A psychic medium group that my dad's co worker. Once again, it was always the co workers inviting us to stuff. The guy was David Aikens. I don't know if anyone from Boise is watching, but he ended up. He's passed now, but we ended up going to his group. My parents drug me literally by my hair, pretty much. I did not want to go. I was pissed. I told me and Marcus were dating at the time. Marcus was like, Tara. Like, that's like devil stuff. Like, you do not. We are not supposed to do that. Like, yeah, it's not going to be your brother that comes through. Like the. You know, and he's like giving me these warnings and I'm like, yeah, I know. Like, my dad bought me like a 200 ticket. I have to go, though. And this is when I was 19 after Tyler, not. Not after my dad. But so I end up going. It's like in Caldwell would drive out. It's like a group of like maybe 20 people and all the chairs Are, like, perfectly spaced. There's, like, a crystal shop at the bottom. Anyway, David comes out. He's like, this quirky little cute guy, and he claims that he's a Christian pastor at a church in Caldwell, and, you know, and that he has this really strong connection with God, and he believes in Jesus and, you know, all the things that you want to hear, I guess, if you're skeptical. And he goes. And to anyone here, like, you have to be. If you want somebody to come through, you have to have the body language of somebody coming through. Like, you can't sit there with your arms crossed and your legs folded. And I feel like he was calling me out because I was sitting there. [00:47:43] Speaker A: Like this completely closed. [00:47:45] Speaker B: Completely closed off, pissed. I can't believe I'm here. My parents are so desperate to try to talk to my brother again that they drugged me to a psychic medium meeting. So I'm, like, pissed, straight up. And so after he gives us our little spiel, I'm like, you know what? I'm here. I might as well change my body language. So. And I just relax my body language a little bit. He kind of bops around the room to a few people, and then all of a sudden, I. I'm not claiming that any of this was true. This is just my experience. He goes, did somebody in here lose a child? And my parents are kind of, like, in. Like, he could kind of tell by our language. And he kind of hones in on my. On my parents. And he just starts, I don't know if it was Tyler that came through. I don't know if it was God coming through. I don't know if. I mean, I don't think that it was a demonic spirit, because obviously it failed because it brought me back to God. So that's how I look at it, right? Like, I don't really know how to explain it, but it was like we were talking to Tyler. Everything that this dude was saying was stuff my brother would have said. New stuff about us he shouldn't have known. Nothing that you could Google. I mean, he just popped off, and he went for, like, half an hour, bopping between my dad, me, my mom, my dad, me, mom, to the point where he was, like, sweating profusely. It was the craziest thing I ever said. And we. And, like, me, we're all three sobbing. It's just craziness. And by the end of it, we get back in the car, and I'm like, dad, there's. There's a heaven. Like, God is real. Like, that Whatever. Whether that was God, Tyler, whatever it was, there is a spiritual realm. We were just in contact with it. And I said, like, heaven's real and I will see Tyler again one day. And he was like, absolutely. Like, that was the craziest thing ever. And obviously, I'm not condoning to go see a psychic. I'm not condoning to go see a medium. But that was the turning point that got me to where I am today, Ways that I've made sense of. It is like, God knows that I'm, like, doubting Thomas. Like, Thomas needed to see the nail holes in Jesus's hand and feel them to know that he was real. And maybe God knew that he was dealing with somebody in me that was so stubborn and needed almost like that slap across the face of, like, hey, you know, there is. There is a spiritual realm. It's something I struggle with as a Christian because it's unorthodox. There's so many warnings in the Bible to that. That's witchcraft, all that stuff. But it's my truth and it's my journey, and so I have to be real to that. I thought about not even talking about it, but that when I started thinking about my turning point, that was my true turning point of knowing that. That God was there. [00:50:45] Speaker A: This is wild. I can't believe I didn't know this. [00:50:48] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:50:48] Speaker A: I feel like. [00:50:49] Speaker B: Well, I don't share it a lot. [00:50:50] Speaker A: Right. If. And understandably, I got, like, anxious listening to you and imagining you being placed in that situation in such a vulnerable state. And that is not of God. I don't believe that. And I think that this is such a beautiful example of God using something for his good. Like, you had an experience in the Bible. Like you said, there's so much scripture that says it's real. There is a spiritual realm, and there's two teams playing there. And there's good and evil, there's light and dark. There's God and there's the enemy. And people absolutely have the ability to tap into that. There's so many testimonies of people who practice witchcraft for years, who have levitated items, who have had these spiritual encounters where they talk to people who are dead, who. All these things. And it's real. [00:51:41] Speaker B: You. [00:51:41] Speaker A: You're very able to do those things. But it's the. It's the route. Like Jesus says, we can only go to God through him. [00:51:49] Speaker B: Yep. [00:51:50] Speaker A: And so anything not through Jesus is also real. [00:51:54] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:51:54] Speaker A: It's just not the path that we want to make. It's not of light it's not love. [00:51:59] Speaker B: Not at all. [00:52:00] Speaker A: And so. [00:52:01] Speaker B: Not at all. [00:52:01] Speaker A: I literally have goosebumps. I feel like I need to unpack that more. And we're going to just have to, like, we're gonna have to have a whole coffee date to talk about this. And I want to ask so many questions because what a powerful experience. [00:52:13] Speaker B: Super. Yeah, it was super powerful. And when I've told that story and people are like, well, Tara, that was probably not your brother coming through. That was probably a demonic spirit. But what I say is I was still being guided and I was still being held, because even if it was Jesus, Jesus is so much stronger than that demonic spirit. And he, like you said, he still made something good out of something that could have been bad. [00:52:39] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:52:39] Speaker B: And so that's how I've tried to make sense of it. Like, I know this is a Christian podcast, and that goes against anything Christian, but. But let's. That's how God pursued me. He said, I got this stubborn little girl. She is in the. The pits of darkness right now, and she's been drug into this situation, and I'm gonna make light into this dark situation. Like, that's how I look at it. And whenever I. The John 20:24 through 29 about doubting Thomas, I always say that. That I am doubting Thomas. Like I was another scripture that I, you know, because it's messy. This is talking about. This is messy. This is just like things that make me feel better about it, I guess. John 8 through 11 or John 8:11. Neither do I condemn you. Go. Go on from now. And sin no more. So that's kind of how I look at it. It was like God met me in a place of sin and he said Tara was. Tara was not following me. This is who that Tara needed. [00:53:53] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:53:53] Speaker B: Now the veil has been lifted. She sees. And now she knows that she can only. The spiritual realm can only be met through me, God. And she knows that now. [00:54:05] Speaker A: Powerful. Is God leaving the 99 for you? [00:54:08] Speaker B: Yes. I have chills on my arms. [00:54:10] Speaker A: Same. [00:54:11] Speaker B: And that's. He meets you where you are. He knew that's where I needed met at that time, because I did not have faith. And then another scripture that I like for this situation is John 8. 7. Let who. Let who. Him that is without sin be first to cast the stone at her. It wasn't Christian of me to go and do that, but, like, that just speaks to me like God. God once again knew where I was at. [00:54:48] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. [00:54:50] Speaker B: And he has so much mercy and grace. And it's not like he's like, Tara and her family went and saw this psychic medium, like they are out of my realm. [00:54:59] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:54:59] Speaker B: He used it as a way to pull us all back in. And that's just very special. And I don't have the. All the answers around it. All I know is that was my turning point. And it was so impactful and so powerful and. And what I've done with it since then is going straight to the source and not going. I'm not going to the crystal shops. I'm not rubbing patootie oil on myself. I'm not snake handling. I'm going to the source. And I learned that that's what I needed to do. [00:55:28] Speaker A: And we do. We have unfettered access to the one true God. I, like, got so excited about this because I have an experience reading tarot cards and doing all of that after I was claiming to be a Christian and walking with God. And I really had justified it in my mind and had a crazy experience as well. I don't want to hijack this. This day. I really want to keep diving in, but we're going to have to expound upon that because we do. We justify things. We think we can dip in a little bit and still get, like we said earlier, the best of both worlds. I can have this experience and I know Jesus, so I can call it Christianity, so. Wow. [00:56:08] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:56:09] Speaker A: Thank you for sharing that. [00:56:10] Speaker B: Yeah. And it's crazy. It's hard to share. And I. I'm expecting probably people commenting, calling me out on it, but it's. It's my. Been my walk in my journey. And that was it for me of what I needed to stop being doubtful. And I was never the same after that. [00:56:30] Speaker A: Wow. [00:56:30] Speaker B: Never the same. That was my turning point. So, yeah, that's it. [00:56:35] Speaker A: That's. [00:56:36] Speaker B: It's a little dark, little weird, but true. [00:56:40] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:56:41] Speaker A: And God will. He will speak to us. However, whenever we are receptive, he will tell us. He will soften our hearts. And when the time is right, he will remove the scales from our eyes, lift the veil, like you said. Wow. [00:56:55] Speaker B: Well. And I even feel like, with where I am now, that I'm able to even tell the story and tell it on a public platform. Shows you how much peace I have with it now. [00:57:04] Speaker A: So no kidding. As you. [00:57:05] Speaker B: It's a good place to be. [00:57:06] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:57:07] Speaker B: It wasn't always like that, so. Yeah. [00:57:09] Speaker A: It's amazing. [00:57:10] Speaker B: Feels good. [00:57:11] Speaker A: All right, should we move on to your next one? Yeah. Tell us. I know this is huge about your mental health journey and how that has impacted your faith? [00:57:23] Speaker B: Yes, yes, yes, all of the above. So some people that are watching probably know a few years back, I've always just been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, which is kind of a band aid term they put on anyone that is struggling with mental health, but they can't really hone in on what it is. So they go, you have GAD or whatever it is you have that. And the first thing they'll try to do is throw you on like a Prozac or in my case, Alexa, pro, you know, whatever, just to kind of get you back into being a productive member of society. And I first got diagnosed with that when I was probably like 19. After all the stuff happened with my brother, it was already festering, but that was, it exacerbated it. It was like, oh, okay, she's full blown certifiable now. You know, I was still coping and, and managing, but that little girl had a lot of weight on her shoulders. She had the weight of her brother being gone in a super traumatic way. And then the weight of the addiction of my mom and the weight of keeping my dad, because my dad, like I said, had suicidal ideation. My dad had. I talked that man off the ledge more times than I can count. A lot of people have talked my dad off the ledge more times than they can count. He always had that, the suicidal tendencies. So that kind of all started stacking on top of each other. And I went to the doctor and I said, I'm not okay. And I, I went to a primary health because I didn't have a regular like practice doctor that I went to. And the dude put me on Prozac. Like, I can't remember the milligram too high, you know, I'm 90 pounds, 19 years old, way too high of a dose. Didn't eat or sleep for two weeks. It made me, I didn't know what was happening at the time. I was completely manic. [00:59:24] Speaker A: Wow. [00:59:26] Speaker B: Went back. He told. After 10 days, he told me, if you can just get through it two more days, you'll, you'll come out the other end. Your body just has to adjust to it. And I left and I said, I'm never going back. I'm not never taking medicine again. That was insane. And when you're £90, you don't have two weeks to not eat. Anyone that knows me at this time knows that I was just, just riddled. I couldn't, I think I masked it pretty well, but I couldn't even hardly do social situations. All I talked about at Work was the drama between my parents and the loss of my brother. So hyper fixated on that. Couldn't talk about anything else. I was probably just a drag to be around. Terrible person. Always crying, always anxious, always sick to my stomach. You know, all the physical symptoms that I didn't know it was going on. Constant reassurance seeking. Hey, guys, is this normal? Is this normal? Is this going on? Just. I look back and I'm actually embarrassed of the girl that was. But it's where I was and I didn't have any support and I didn't have any help and I was so young and I was just doing the best I could. So a couple years go by and I'm just managing that way. I'm £90, running around, I'm anxious. My dad's doing the best he can to support me, but he's heavily grieving. My mom is just laying in bed all the time. She went from the couch to the bed. That's the biggest move she did in that time. And I think at this time she was. She'd moved on to the fentanyl patches. So that's. Once you're on fentanyl patches, you're pretty much like a step away from doing heroin on the street. Like, there's really nowhere to go from there. So fast forward to dad passing away. I dealt with this for a long time. It ebbed and flowed. Sometimes it would be better, sometimes it would be worse. I would get on and off, flex. We ended up finding out that Lexapro works for me. I ended up getting with a actual, like everyday practice doctor. And she said, well, what type of antidepressants does your dad take? And I said, well, he's taking Lexapro. And she goes, well, let's try that. And so I started that immediately was better. Like, just had mental clarity for the first time since my brother had passed away. Probably honestly since the first time in my life. But Lexapro also is not really ever used to treat generalized anxiety disorder. So it's kind of like I should have known that something was there. So fast forward to my dad passing away. Super traumatic how he passed away. He was in the ICU for three days. He was having hallucinations and fits of rage because the reaction to the morphine. I had to stand by his head, I think one day for like 10 hours to keep him calm. And the nurses begged me not to leave because I was the only one keeping him calm. In 2020, you couldn't visit family members in the ICU. Thank God. They let me stay with him, but it was a constant battle between me and my mom because she wanted to be in there, so that was stressful. And then they ended up sedating him and he was in a medical induced coma for like the last bit of it. So after he passes, I do the funeral. The dust settles. My mom's addiction, literally worse than ever. She's borderline, almost lighting the house on fire every day. Me and my husband have to take shifts watching her because she's so loopy. She's microwaving stuff that shouldn't be microwave. Like metal in the microwave, driving up all hours of the night, Super Wonka do stuff. And so my mental health starts to plummet again. You know, I'm kind of in a semi stable place and it's just starting to go downhill again with the death of my dad and my mom situation putting a struggle on mine and Marcus's relationships. He was working nights at the time. We hardly ever saw each other. And if we did, it was like focusing on whatever crazy stuff my mom was doing. So just a really, really, really dark point again in my life. And this would have been probably about four years now. Three or four years ago, I decided that I needed to get back on Lexapro because I hadn't been on it at the time. So they put me on a mix of Wellbutrin and Lexapro to kind of get me over the hump. And once again, it worked. Like, wonder, like I am a very strong advocate that God creates the minds that create medicine and prayer and, you know, living like a biblically sound life. Yes, it does help with mental health, but some people that have a natural chemical imbalance, you need a little push. [01:04:47] Speaker A: Absolutely. [01:04:47] Speaker B: And so for anyone watching this, if, if that's you, like, don't, don't think that it's not okay. [01:04:55] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:04:56] Speaker B: To get medical help, because it is. And I struggled with that for a while. Like, well, maybe if I can just pray my way out of it. And I couldn't, you know, it's just not how I'm set up. [01:05:05] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:05:07] Speaker B: So anyway, I got on the right cocktail of medicine and my doctor said once I was actually set up with a good doctor. She goes, well, you know, what is the best thing for mental health? She goes, the right cocktail of drugs and therapy. Have you ever done therapy? And I said, yeah, I did, like telehealth therapy one time right after my dad died, but it was talk therapy. And I said, I always felt like I felt more raw and vulnerable afterwards than good and she goes, that's. That's interesting. Well, there is a therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy that you should try. And I was like, okay. Like, it just sounded like a bunch of big words to me. But I put it in my notes on my phone, and it sat there, you know, for probably another year. And then Marcus was still working nights. We ended up cutting ties with my mom completely, and me and Marcus were living in our own house and no contact with my mom anymore. After that separation, I had to give her an ultimatum of it's me or the drugs. And she chose the drugs. She said, I'm not willing to get off of them. And I said, okay, well, then that's it with me. And she said, yeah, so that's tough to deal with. But I ended up kind of getting to my. I want to say one of my darkest points, Marcus was on nights, and I would just come home and I had a couple, like, little pet rats and my dog. And it was. That was just my life. And I would just come home and sit with them and think about every single night what my life could have been and what it's not anymore, and just kind of sit and stew every night. And I had no one to talk to because he was at work. And it got to the point where I was having. I would wake up every night at three in the morning and just convulsively shake because I was in such a. A bad place, and just shake and shake and shake. And keep in mind, this is me on medicine, so I'm already being treated. And this is when, like, the OCD that I would. Would later be diagnosed with started really manifesting. So OCD can come in a lot of different forms. I have, like, not the tidy, clean kind of OCD where you're like, washing contamination off your hands all the time and flicking light switches. I have the type that, like, kind of tells me ruminating thoughts, so. Of taboo subjects. So, for example, Marcus is. Is going to die on the way to work. And then I'll get that thought in my head and then I can't focus on anything else. Marcus is going to die on the way to work. Marcus is going to die on the way to work. And so the anxiety starts to kind of take the shape of this little monster in my head, which is like, also me, but it's like a. A bad version of me. It's like a dark corner of my mind, me. And it's starting to overshadow my faith. It's starting to overshadow anything that I knew about myself. Stuff like. Like you're not going to be able to have kids one day because, like, what if you hurt them? You can't trust yourself because what if you end up taking your life too? What if you're. I watched, I watched that series about Jeffrey Dahmer. The OCD clung to that. And then I started thinking that I was going to be a murderer. I was. I mean, this is some serious, serious heavy stuff. [01:09:03] Speaker A: Yeah, just lies from the enemy on repeat. [01:09:07] Speaker B: On repeat. And this is me even after knowing God. So I'm just trying to pray my way through it. I'm trying to make sense of it all. I'm like, I'm still, I'm popping this pill every night that's supposed to make me better, but it's, it's not making me better. And so that's when I looked in my phone notes and I said, okay. The doctor a year ago told me, cognitive behavioral therapy. So let's type that into Google and let's see what happens. And so I type that in and this place comes up, K counseling. And I read about it and it says that they specialize in the OCD stuff, which I'd kind of self at this point. I'd self diagnosed the OCD because I went on Google typing in, like, why do I get scared that I'm going to be a murderer? I'm like trying to make sense of everything. Why, why am I freaking out about these taboo subjects? And it showed. Hey, it's ocd. And then so K counseling, I call, I start just bawling to the lady. Whoever answers, I don't know if it's the receptionist, the lady that owns it, hey, this is K counseling, blah, blah, blah speaking. And I'm like, hi, like, like I'm freaking out. Yeah, like. And I just trauma dump on her and she's like, okay, sweetie, like, it's okay, let's get you in on Tuesday. And I go, and I'm driving there and it's actually like on this side of town. And I'm driving there and I said in my head, like, I didn't even pray it out loud. I just said, God, if I'm going to the right place and this is where you want me to be to get help, please give me a sign of something purple. And I'm not necessarily telling people that they should test God or like try to swindle God into stuff, but at that point, that's what I needed. I said, God, I need a sign. I need a sign that it's that it's going to be okay. [01:10:55] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:10:55] Speaker B: And that I can be healed. Because I remember saying to myself, if this is how I'm going to feel the rest of my life, I'm not going to be able to do it. [01:11:03] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:11:07] Speaker B: It wasn't to the point where I wanted to take my life yet, but it would have gotten to that point. And that's really a scary place to be. And I knew that God knew that. And I said, I need going to this therapy place to be what saves me. Please give me a sign that I'm doing the right thing. And I said, show me something purple. I don't know what it was. I just said, show me something purple. And you know those power boxes that they paint on the street with, like, local artists stuff? I literally the seconds. 30 seconds after I say this prayer in my head, I look up and it's a purple mural painted on one of those right in front of me that I couldn't even ignore. It was like a beak. [01:11:49] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:11:49] Speaker A: Wow. [01:11:50] Speaker B: And I went, okay, I'm going to the right place. I'm doing the right thing. And I went. My therapist name was Lily. She at the time, I was 29 and she was probably 27. And I walked in and I was like, this girl's younger than me. I might as well just walk right back out. She can't handle whatever I'm gonna lay on the table right now. [01:12:11] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:12:12] Speaker B: And she ended up literally helping me get the diagnosis of the OCD and treating it how it needed to be treated. Not talk therapy. And then got me into some sessions of emdr. [01:12:26] Speaker A: So good. [01:12:26] Speaker B: Which if you don't, if you struggle with similar things that I'm talking about, EMDR is a game changer. [01:12:32] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:12:32] Speaker B: And once again, like, I'm such, like, an advocate that God creates the minds that create these things that ended up helping me. [01:12:39] Speaker A: That power. [01:12:40] Speaker B: Absolutely. That. With a combination of, like, really leaning in heavy to my prayer life, opening scripture, reading scripture and diving in. Because once I got the help, I had the clarity to foster that relationship with God again. Because I wasn't so caught up with the OCD attacks and what I was dealing with. And I was able to come out on the other side of that. You know, it took a year of really, really intense, once a week therapy. [01:13:12] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:13:13] Speaker B: To get it done. But God plucked me and placed me exactly where I needed to be with the medicines that I needed, the doctors that I needed, the therapist that I needed at the time. Like, I was so divinely guided. [01:13:27] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:13:29] Speaker B: And I had prayed for it. And I had asked for it and he gave it to me. [01:13:32] Speaker A: He's faithful to provide. [01:13:34] Speaker B: Yeah. And I just kind of wrote down like some things I was thinking about last night when I was doing this. Sorry. Makes me emotional. Going through that situation reminded me that God has been steadfast and patient, impatient with me my whole life. No matter how lukewarm I've been with him or how just off the rails I've been, he's always just kind of steadily, like chugged along with me. [01:14:13] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:14:14] Speaker B: That whole time. And like from knowing him at 6 years old to fast forward to now at 31, he's always just been like my little shadow that's been there with me. And that situation reminds me of that. [01:14:27] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:14:27] Speaker B: And just. And it might seem silly, but just asking him, God, just show me something purple to let me know that this is right. And the fact that he did when he didn't even need to, you know, I was barely walking with him. Yeah, he didn't need to do that and he still did. [01:14:46] Speaker A: And I want to expound upon that a little bit because you said, I know we're not supposed to test God. And in the first episode I said something similar. I know we're not supposed to ask God for things. And I think especially for people who are not walking with God, that could be really confusing. We have a sovereign, all powerful God who wants us to seek him above all other things, who wants us to ask for any need we have, who knows what we need before we ask it. So he does want us to ask for things. He does want us to seek those things out. So there's a big difference between testing him and saying, make this cup flip over there. Like, he's not about party tricks, but he knows our hearts. [01:15:28] Speaker B: Yeah. And I guess that's true. Yeah. [01:15:31] Speaker A: And when we need those things, he will deliver. If it's, please send me some. Send somebody into my life to be this friend, please, you know, do this or that. If you are earnest and you ask with all your heart and you need that, and God knows you need that, he will give it to you, period. So please. [01:15:49] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:15:50] Speaker A: If you're listening and you're a little confused on that, or a new follower, ask God. And if he doesn't give it to you, that's for a reason too. And that will be revealed in time why things didn't go quite the way that you asked for it. I. I want to ask you a question, kind of rewinding a little bit. Go ahead back to that season where you're just waking up in the middle of the night being crushed by these intrusive thoughts and being alone. Marcus is on shift. And what was your community like in that time? Because the enemy loves to isolate us. [01:16:22] Speaker B: Oh, so isolated. Like you said. Just my little. My pet rat, Astro and Nugget. And that was it. And yeah, I mean, I had some friends, but it was very like, let's go get dinner. Maybe, maybe not. Like, it wasn't anything deep. It wasn't anything like what me and you have or what I have with a huge group of people now. Yeah, that's one thing too, that once. Because, like, God is so faithful and he knew I wanted those things. And it was like once I got the help and I could see clearly again, like, everything just started falling into place and people came into my life because I was able to focus on my prayer life and be like God, you know, where I'm at, you know, I feel sad, I feel isolated, I feel lonely. Please bring these people into my life. And I remember, like, we've talked about this, like me and you on the timeline of things were literally praying that prayer at the same time. [01:17:25] Speaker A: We prayed for each other. Absolutely. [01:17:27] Speaker B: Yeah. In there. And there happened. And there's been so many more friendships and opportunities and things that have happened since. It's like my life completely changed within like a six month period of time. It's insane. Like, God went, like, he plucked me out of a bad place and he plucked me into a good place and. And it seemed like it was overnight. [01:17:52] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:17:52] Speaker B: Like I just woke up one day and I was like, wow, I'm living. I'm living the things that I was praying for. [01:17:57] Speaker A: Amen. [01:17:58] Speaker B: And I had the clarity to pray for them. [01:18:00] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:18:01] Speaker B: Like, he helped me get to a place where I was mentally stable enough to have normalcy again. [01:18:08] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:18:09] Speaker B: Because. Yeah, the intrusive thoughts and stuff like that. The devil knows that you're in. Like, this is one thing that people need to realize. The devil isn't inside your heart and he isn't inside your mind. Only God can be within you through the Holy Spirit. The devil doesn't have that. The things that we speak into the world and the things that we tell people about, the devil can also hear. [01:18:33] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:18:34] Speaker B: So if I'm saying I'm dealing with all this, you know, I'm shaking in the middle of the night and I'm dealing with all these intrusive thoughts and I'm doing the assurance seeking. The devil's hearing that and he's going, oh, Yeah. I got fuel for my next thing, you know, and the next insecurity. [01:18:47] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:18:48] Speaker B: And so that's why it's so important too, to pray on things a lot of the time and not necessarily before. Don't speak things until you've prayed about them. [01:19:00] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:19:00] Speaker A: There's power in the tongue. That'll be a whole thing. [01:19:03] Speaker B: And that's like something that I've really, really had to work on. And because my. I'm not, like, I'm not at the finish line yet. Like, I've just started running this race and. Yeah. Just something to consider and that I've had to remind myself of as like a little side note on talking about this. Like, that God is within you, the devil isn't. And so that's something that you have to remember that you. There is that definite line drawn. [01:19:31] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:19:32] Speaker A: So good. [01:19:35] Speaker B: Some little. Like, because I've written down so much scripture, like on my mental health journey, just some ones I wanted to share that have meant a lot to me and that have helped me in those times where I was struggling. My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness. Corinthians 12, 9. [01:19:57] Speaker A: So good. [01:19:58] Speaker B: Like that to me is just like the situation that through my weakness, God has been glorified. [01:20:07] Speaker A: Absolutely. [01:20:08] Speaker B: And so none of it has been in vain. [01:20:09] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:20:11] Speaker A: So good. [01:20:11] Speaker B: Yeah. Just a reminder for people. God renews our minds and our souls. If you ask. If you ask. Yeah. You shall receive. [01:20:23] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:20:24] Speaker B: You know, and it might not be in your time, it's going to be in his time. But he has always been faithful and he always will be faithful. [01:20:31] Speaker A: Amen. [01:20:33] Speaker B: And this is a good one for anyone struggling. If you are watching this and struggling with your mental health, for I will restore your health to you and heal you from your wounds, says the Lord. Jeremiah 30:17. There's promises in the Bible over and over and over. If you dig into scripture, God doesn't make empty promises to his people. [01:20:55] Speaker A: Right. [01:20:56] Speaker B: He doesn't. He never will and he never has. This is enduring word, and it's just as alive today as it was when Jesus was walking the earth. And it's something that we can never forget. [01:21:10] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:21:12] Speaker B: And it's just. It's unbelievable how many times we are promised that we will be restored, we will be renewed, and that God has us time and time in every single Bible story, in every single chapter that I feel like that's one of the main themes of the Bible. [01:21:32] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:21:32] Speaker B: And believing in that and knowing that that is true. [01:21:36] Speaker A: Amen. [01:21:38] Speaker B: So important when you're struggling with your mental health and. [01:21:46] Speaker A: And to have people that will speak that life into you. [01:21:50] Speaker B: One. One practice that I've really done is, like, how to cope with the panic attacks, because they still do happen sometimes. Like, just because I'm in a better place doesn't mean that this isn't, like, going to be a thorn in my side for the rest of my life. It very well might be. I pray that I will be completely renewed, but for now, it's something that I do have to deal with. So when I do have those panic attacks or those shaky times or whatever, um, I pray and remind myself that. That I am held, that I'm safe, and that God sees me and he knows what I'm dealing with. And I remind myself that anxiety is not of God. [01:22:29] Speaker A: Amen. And be anxious for nothing. [01:22:33] Speaker B: Be anxious for nothing. Yep. And so those are things that have helped me. That's kind of my. My panic attack remedy, you know, because they do. Come on. You can be driving. I'm still human. [01:22:44] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:22:44] Speaker B: Like, we're all still human. And I just. You know, I'll close my eyes. I get flight anxiety really bad. And sometimes I'll just be on the plane, I'll close my eyes and I'll say, you know what, God? All this anxiety I'm feeling. I know isn't from you. Just sit with me in this moment. [01:22:59] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:22:59] Speaker B: Like, just ride this airplane with me. And it's amazing. Within, like, 30 seconds, I'm calm again. [01:23:06] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:23:07] Speaker B: Because God is bigger than the devil. God is bigger than the ocd. He's bigger than the anxiety. He's bigger than the chemical imbalance in my brain. [01:23:15] Speaker A: Amen. [01:23:16] Speaker B: Any of it. [01:23:17] Speaker C: Yeah. [01:23:17] Speaker A: So God is greater than. [01:23:19] Speaker B: Yep. [01:23:19] Speaker A: So good. Such a good reminder and such a good promise and truth to speak over our lives and over anybody who's listening. Yeah, I agree. [01:23:29] Speaker B: So that's. That's how I've dealt and how I continue to deal. You know, like I said, I'm not at the finish line, but the finish line is the end. So, you know that's not what you want anyway, right? Yeah. [01:23:43] Speaker A: Got some running. [01:23:44] Speaker B: We got stuff to do. [01:23:45] Speaker A: If you were listening today, thank you for being a part of our journey and for hearing Tara's testimony. We believe in community and sharing our stories, and we believe in growing together as well. If you resonated with any of these things, depression, anxiety, loneliness, isolation. There are resources. Please reach out to somebody. You are not alone. And there is hope and there is light at the end of the tunnel. We love you. Thank you for being here with us, and we'll see you next time.